"You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you,
because he trusts in you." - Isaiah 26:3
Many years ago, I had the opportunity to learn from a professional artist how to paint using pastels. For the first time I began to explore the concept of painting in layers, starting with using pencil to draw some basic shapes and then a bottom layer of paint that focused on the contrast of basic light and dark, then gradually adding more layers of warm and cool tones. The details of recognizable shapes and brighter colors came more towards the end. Sometimes there was even a watercolor underpainting to start it all that looked almost bizarre. Only a true artist would be able to understand what it was they were working towards at these beginning stages or see the endless potential for the final touches at the end.
I have realized that God has been in the business of pastel
painting, except as soon as I think the painting has to be almost
finished, it is like it becomes an underpainting all over again. He is teaching
me the same themes over and over but in different ways and with a different
kind of perspective and renewed clarity. He is just building a new layer on top
of another layer.
I am also aware that there is always this incredible arc of
a story that God is writing. (Can you tell I love metaphors?) I heard an incredible
songwriter say recently that sometimes we just get too close to our canvas to
be able to see the bigger picture, and that sometimes we need help from our community in order to step back for a clearer perspective.
I like to think about this in terms of what I call, the “real
real”. I feel like what we experience on earth only allows us glimpses, foreshadowing if you will, into the bigger purposes of our Creator and Father God. It is a dim reflection
of what is to come. We forget that our time here is so miniscule in light of eternity,
and yet so important at the same time.
It has been a very difficult weekend as many of us honored
the life of a dear friend who loved other people so passionately and
inclusively. The end of her life was heartbreaking for those who were close to
her story and in the middle of her struggles and pain.
As Devon’s body failed her, I often thought of various images
of water and sailboats. One day when we were listening to music, I ended up drawing a picture in her journal, and
once when I was praying for her, the Lord put on my heart, “I work beneath
the surface”. A month ago, she told me she kept seeing the sailboat
image everywhere, even in places she never noticed before. There’s a line in
the song “Promises” by Maverick City Music that says, “though the storms may
come and the winds may blow, I’ll remain steadfast”. I never want to forget watching
her worship in her wheelchair, on the couch, or in a hospital bed to these songs
with such faith-filled lyrics. Worship music filled her sails.
The truth is, she probably felt like she was drowning. Countless
times, she was literally struggling to breathe. And when she needed it the
most, she would be surrounded by those who carried her in faith, reminding her that
she was a beloved child of God and could trust Him even when she was fighting
for her life. She wanted every day she could get and had plans to live. But only
God knows the whole story. He is the author of all of our endings.
Every time I encounter suffering or death, I feel like there
is a Dr. Strange-like portal that opens that gives us a glimpse into something
that might be “more real” than what we are currently experiencing. It offers me
the opportunity to step back from the canvas and look at the bigger picture. It
is deeper than just asking, “why, God?” and trying to process pain that doesn't make sense. In the middle of grief, we can marvel at not understanding His ways while also still trusting that His promises
are still true. It is a reminder that eternity is ultimately our destination and we have a home prepared for us who believe. It is the beautiful, painful truth that life on earth is full of suffering and loss, but God is still good.
So no matter what comes our way, are we ready to trust Him enough to say, “So let it be”?
In this journey, there are so many opportunities to wonder
about the what ifs and all the things we could have done differently. It is too
easy to become overwhelmed by failure and regret and unfinished business.
We often feel like there is plenty of time to figure it out or finish what we want to do,
but that time isn’t promised to us.
The good news is there is an Author who has already written our stories. They are beautiful, painful, heart-breaking, yet still full of miracles-on-miracles and joy. Jesus finished His work on the cross so that our “endings” are not
final. Even our mistakes, our constant battle with shame, our fears and
failures…He took care of all of it through Jesus and gave us an eternal
epilogue. In the end, He doesn’t ask us to have perfect faith, perfect theology, or make
all the right decisions. He doesn’t ask for a good performance or to check a
list of religious boxes. He asks for our trust and our surrender and offers us
mercy and eternal love in return. He has prepared a place for us in eternity to
continue our relationship with Him. Face to face forever.
Maybe we will see that His light, our Living Hope, is shining in our hearts even now in our darkest hours. He is with us now and forever, Emmanuel, Prince of Peace. He is Jireh, more than enough.
Maybe we can learn to let go of the façade and learn to breathe again, His way. Believing that He redeems EVERYTHING and He isn't afraid to deal with any seemingly impenetrable or horrifically unfinished part of us with mercy and cover us in His grace. Maybe it is time to be okay with who we are as works in progress, accept His love for us, and let Him be King.
For those of you who have read this to the end, I finished writing a song over the weekend and made a very raw recording. You could call this blog post the "story behind the song". You can find the song here: https://youtu.be/uThtJWUGBqM
(Learning to paint with pastels, circa 2011)